WHOA, THAT WAS A BLOW

The irony in the fact that I am starting a blog about breaking up with perfect has me chuckling. I have always wanted to write a blog, and for a short while did when Ainsley was born so that family could read about her adventures. However, I gave up because the anxiety and critical self reflection of my writing left me not wanting to reveal myself publicly...because I want to be perfect at it. Well, adios perfect. I will never be able to write to your standard, and forgive me for saying this but it isn't me, it is you. :)

Several months ago, a co-worker casually mentioned how they and a few other employees had shared with each other that they resented the fact that I was "so perfect at connecting with and supporting others". Whoa, that was a blow. How could connecting with others and supporting them bring resentment from people I work with and thought I had genuine friendships with? Where did I miss the mark in sharing my heart and my goal in creating community through my intentional stewardship of relationships, and how did they not see that I definitely was not perfect at it? This whole comment wrecked me for weeks and became a huge focus for me in my journaling and morning prayer routine. 

Months passed and then my life group from church gathered for our bi-weekly time together to watch a sermon series by Matt Chandler titled A Beautiful Design: Women's Hurdles. Matt highlights that a lot of the sins of women can be put into two buckets, Perfectionism and Comparison. Shortly after that, I engaged into a conversation with someone I care for more than words can describe, and I asked them besides in my parenting, where they see me striving to be perfect. And their answer was at work and how I connect with or support people. I stopped dead in the conversation. How had my intent of being a goal driven person who strives to truly connect with people, led multiple people to see me as striving to be perfect at this? 

My heart was truly crushed in that moment because all my brain could do was swarm with all the failed relationships and failed opportunities that I had chosen to accept in my last ten years. Failure or the opportunity to humbly grow from missteps has been one of the most freeing things I had learned to do in my adult years and in that moment, it became abundantly clear that I had failed at the authenticity I thought I was creating in accepting the fact that I was in fact, NOT perfect at stewarding my relationships. Crap, I wasn't perfect at admitting I wasn't perfect...I was my own oxymoron.

I started lamenting in my failure at being perfect as I packed for a week long vacation with my almost six year old daughter. In my head, I started writing a list you will shortly read, of some of the ways I strive to be perfect, and epically fail. And then we left the next day and while my sweet angel fell asleep shortly, I obviously could not. What normally would be a 3.5 hour drive took 4 hours and 52 minutes. That is A LOT of time to digest life... let me tell you. I don't know where this blog will go, I do not know how committed I will stay. But I do know, it will not be perfect. 


Where I try to be perfect, but fail:
My Parenting I had this image that parenting would come naturally and that all of the things I knew I wanted in being a parent would just be. Example 1: My child will always say please and thank you because I raised her that way. False. Manners are a priority in our home and she is an amazing polite kid. But sometime tiredness takes over and it fails to be a priority for her...but then I feel like I fail as a parent. How stupid is that?! Example 2: Anticipating the question "What happens when someone dies?" and knowing the answer you would give. Yup, she was 7 months in my womb and I had thought of that one. And then she was two and she lost her grandma. That answer was very different than the one I thought I would give. Same general idea, but I had to learn how to meet her where she was at. And I have had to answer that question about every 4 months since August 25, 2013 and each time it gains a little momentum towards the deepest meaning I intend for her to hear. All this to say, parenting is so dang hard and I always want to be perfect at it because I never want to fail her. But I am so thankful that I have been blessed with a community that constantly lifts each other up and reminds each other that the Lord didn't design anyone to be perfect at anything and in the eyes of our children, we are the best parents for them. Oohhh even the butterflies within my heart just thinking of how she loves me makes me so thankful for the gift of being her mom, as imperfect as I am at it.
Being Silly Being a parent should automatically come with a new skill of being goofy. Jokes have never been a strong suit of mine, and I definitely wasn't voted class clown. Although, now that I think about, I have been given the gift of not being very graceful when walking which often provides many people distinct memories that involve belly laughs for days. So I set off on a path a few years ago to just be a kid with my kid. It is so much harder than I thought it would be for me. I have been always so focused on goals, manners, and adulting (I did grow up at a very young age)... it has not been easy to play dress up and lay down my adultness. But I am getting better, but I sure as heck am not as perfect as I desire to be. But she smiles, and laughs with/at me. That is my win. 
Being Patient Each of you who just rolled your eyes and laughed a little... you're welcome. Patience and Tauna do not typically go hand and hand in conversation unless people are commenting on my lack thereof. But yet I try my darnedest to be patient. Some days there is even self talk that goes from sun up to sun down where my mind just combats the need to jump in and show up... but what really happens is that the Lord's work is interrupted, and then I realize it is all in the vain of not being able to just be still and patient. Yet, here I am... working every day trying to be perfect at it. Yet, even knowing that perfection in anything is unattainable, I still want to strive to be better in this. 
In My Devotions Thank goodness we have grace for this. I mean, I know that I will NEVER be perfect in this. Yet, I can't help but strive for a practice that is continual, growing, and that I wouldn't "drop the ball" in it. But recently, I missed my morning tea and reading. I was grumpy and late for work, and instead... I took a 15 minute break and did it at 11. It wasn't perfect. It was forced, but I knew that He didn't care and no matter what He was there with me. That moment freed me from the pressure I was putting on myself for no good reason. 
Lastly, Being A Friend Where the root of this whole blog started. While I never thought I tried to be perfect at it, I truly just thought I just did my duty as a friend to show up. Maybe I do strive to be a perfect friend. I am still struggling with this one. Whether it is as a friend, co-worker, girlfriend, or whatever... I cannot help but think of my commitment to my community to not fail them. But I will. And I know that because I have. I have gone long periods without checking in on people I love. I have forgotten birthdays. I am not a perfect friend. But I am grateful for forgiveness and that those who are a part of my community hopefully know my heart. But I guess I have to work on this one regardless...but prayers appreciated on how the Lord opens my heart to this. 

I am sure this list will grow, but for now, I will just leave it at this. But I am eternally grateful for the freeing nature of opening my heart to this blog and like I said, who knows... it might be the only post, or I might go six months in between. But I wanted to try to do it, and not be perfect at it. 

Late addition to this post: I was informed this post needed a picture... so while I am definitely not perfect, I do try to be really fun. :)