I am a mom.

Two years running now, I have driven down N 21st St with tears running down my cheeks. Dropping Ainsley off at school, I wonder, how in the heck did my mom and dad do this for 19 years? I immediately reach to figure out what it is I am feeling. Pride. Loss. Motherhood… I am feeling motherhood.

The moment I found out I was going to be a mom, the world changed. The second Ainsley was placed on my chest when she was born, I was given a new purpose. Her tiny little fingers and toes, strong breath, and warm body, all gave me this overwhelming sense of purpose knowing that I grew her. I gave her life, and now my job is to continue to raise her to be a strong, brave, God fearing little woman.

The first day of first grade was much like the first day of Kindergarten. She was excited. She had more confidence than last year because she knew her school, which monkey bar routine she would strive to perfect this year, and that she could trust her YMCA staff at the end of the day to play all her favorite games while she anxiously awaits for me to pick her up. She was ready to leave the house at 7:30 am but school didn’t start until 8:55. She gave her American Girl Doll a pep talk that I truly believe was self-talk to prepare for the exciting new things that were lying ahead. She picked out her outfit that consisted of polka tights that I envied and an emoji shirt that made me cringe (why do kids love emoji’s so much?!). And then she came and sat with me on the couch and asked me to pray for her day. Her sweet soul knew exactly what she needed and she was seeking the Lord to protect her through it.

We walked up the sidewalk and she had a strut to her step. Her grip in my hand got a little bit tighter and she said “Thank you mom for walking me to my class, I am thankful you are my mom. Today is going to be a great day.” In that moment, she made my love for her grow deeper than it already was, I didn’t think that was possible. She led the way, she told me what she wanted to do with her extra 15 minutes and she shared her enthusiasm for learning math in first grade. My little girl that only 6 years ago took her first breath on my chest, is now a first grader. And before I know it, she is going to be graduating high school I am sure of it.

I am a mom of a first grader, and time is passing entirely too fast. There are times I would give a lot to pause time and relish in the youth she currently is in. But I guess I will settle for knowing that part of motherhood is the pride in knowing they are supposed to grow up, and walking in that journey with them is a gift. But saying that our loud or typing it didn’t make the tears stop. Ainsley Jean, you’ll always be my baby girl but I am so proud of the brave, independent, and God fearing young woman you are becoming.